Accidentally Joined an Occult?

My Dearest Adam,

So you say that you unwittingly signed a contract to enter into a relaxing six-week spa retreat and now due to an unfortunate oversight on your part and gross inability to read the fine print are now unable to leave voluntarily now that things are beginning to get a little weird. By weird do you mean to say that …?

Instead of enjoying the refreshing cucumber water you found yourself sipping the Kool-Aid?

In place of a white fluffy robe, you were supplied with a black hooded one?

Instead of meditation techniques, you were taught astral projection?

If any of these questions resonate with you then things are only going to get weirder as you friend have joined a cult.

Now, first and foremost, I must ask if the aforesaid contract was signed in your blood. If the answer is yes, then congratulations fool you have just signed away your soul and are now and forevermore hell’s little bitch. I won’t condemn you for your stupidity, but please be aware that there is nothing I can do to assist you further. ]:(

On the off chance you hadn’t gone and fucked yourself six ways to Sunday, then here is my advice:

Try asking the person or persons in charge politely if they might release you early. No, go? Try sneaking out. Not possible because of a barbed wired nine-foot cement wall?

Might as well relax friend, you’re not getting out anytime soon. }:)

Your Friend,

Staan
hailstaankingofthedamned@gmail.com 

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