My Dearest Adam,
I am pleased to hear that you survived your spa’s initiation ceremony and have been welcomed to the brotherhood. Too bad about your yoga partner having been made to carry the honor of serving as the sacrifice at the black mass for his unforgivable selfless act. If only you had heeded my advice about inquiring politely to those in charge about an early release from the spa-retreat rather than plotting that foolhardy escape. Although, I must admit that I am quite impressed that you and your friend managed to make it over the nine-foot barbed wire cement wall, but perhaps if you had stretched before you decided to flee you wouldn’t have been crippled with a leg cramp in the midst of your escape and your friend wouldn’t have made the damning mistake of sacrificing his freedom in order to try and save your out of shape, pathetic person. Maybe then, the two of you might have been able to evade capture rather than having been shot down with salt rocks and dragged back to the compound. Maybe then, he wouldn’t be haunting you.
Fortunately for you, I may know of a way to get rid of him. All you have to do is follow my instructions to the t and I guarantee you, cross my heart and hope you die, if you survive this you will be spirit free.
So, don on your black robe because it’s time for a little banishing spell.
Step 1: Conjure up six black candles, a stick of chalk, a lighter, some incense (dragon blood will do just nicely), and a knife. Conveniently, you should be able to purchase all of these items at the gift shop.
Step 2: With the chalk, draw an inverted pentagram on the floor. Then draw a circle around it. Next, place five candles on each point of the star and the sixth at the center. (Keep the candles unlit for step 5.)
Step 3: For this part, you’ll need to anoint the unlit candle at the center of the pentagram in blood. This will require at the minimum three drops of blood from a virgin and three drops of your own. (So in total, six drops of your own blood.) Grasp the blade of your knife and slice it across your closed hand. Uttering your intentions for the banishing spell aloud, hold out your bleeding hand and let the blood spill out onto the candle. To free yourself from your old yoga partner you will need to say these words: Free me of my spirit. Free me of my spirit. Free me of my spirit.
Speak loudly and clearly and be sure to say the phrase exactly three times. Remember, the devil is in the details.
Step 4: Turn off all the lights in the room and go sit in front of the circle.
Step 5: Sitting in complete darkness, go ahead and light your incense. Now relax. Clear your mind. Breathe in the earthy scent of the incense. Listen to the bewitching background music softly being played in reverse from the overhead speakers in the hall. Ignore the angry spirit insisting that you not go through with the ceremony and begin chanting. This will help you tune him out. Intone whatever rumbling comes to you. It has to be convincing so be sure to put all your soul into it.
Step 6: Once you have managed to completely block him out, light the candles. Gaze into them as you meditate on his leaving. All of the warmth in the room will be drawn into the candles so you are going to notice a drop in temperature as his spirit is being sucked into the center of the pentagram which will act as a portal to hell. As this occurs, the candle flames will jump higher and higher until every last bit of his spirit’s essence is devoured. At which point, all of the candles should go out and you will be spirit free.
Good luck, buddy. ]:)