Energy Vamps Sucking You Dry?

My Dearest Joe,

I am glad Adam had time to refer you to me before his untimely death. I am afraid my eyes betray me as your letter appears to say your friend Adam gave you the referral. Did you mean to say acquaintance?  As I was unaware that hell froze over and Adam actually had friends. 

Either way, I am here to help. You write that your family is a cold-hearted insatiable bunch who fly in only during the darkest of months just in time to suck you dry for the holidays. A ruthless group who likes to cut you with their words just to watch you bleed. Are they also the sort of relatives who, when not biting your head off at the dinner table, are out for blood on the field during a (not so) friendly game of football? When losing the aforementioned game are they likely to throw around the words “bite me” and “suck it?”

Tell me Joe, when gathered at the dinner table have you ever taken stock of that one relative who looks as if they should have died ages ago but somehow keeps joining you every year for the family gathering? On further inspection of the place settings, would you come to realize that all of your silver utensils have gone missing? When tasting each dish would you notice there is a lack of garlic, and when carving open the turkey your mother-in-law brought over find that it is once again so under-cooked that it is still bleeding. Finally, when the dreadful dinner is over, do you always end up the sucker left to clean all the dirty dishes?

Sounds to me like you are dealing with a family of energy vampires. These vampires are far more vicious than regular vampires as they attack your mind, body, and spirit. Don’t worry friend, I know a few ways to get rid of these leeches.

Option 1: Move and don’t give them the new address. If your family does end up finding out where you live don’t allow them entry.

Note: This option has faults as denying entry will stop the energy vamps from stepping foot into your home but they can still call and harass you in other forms, mainly online.

Option 2: At the next family gathering make sure to pick fresh holly berries, blend them up, and add it to the cranberry sauce. When everyone starts vomiting and becoming comatose let them know that you were the one to poison them. They will not be coming back to your house next Thanksgiving, I guarantee it.

Note: You probably won’t be coming home for Thanksgiving next year either because poisoning people is a criminal offense, but on the bright side when you get out of jail you won’t have to worry about your family contacting you ever again.

Option 3: Just like regular vampires, stabbing energy vampires with a wooden stake in the heart will kill them. Although instead of bursting into flames and turning to dust you will have a few bodies which will need to be disposed of, but once done your problem will be solved. I suggest drugging them with valerian first to give you the best chance of taking them out.

Note: Hide the bodies well enough and you can live the rest of your life energy vamp free. ]:)

Your Friend, 

Staan
hailstaankingofthedamned@gmail.com

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