My Dearest Adam,
Can you go more than a week without getting yourself into trouble? And, no, retrograde wasn’t to blame, just you. To answer your first question, yes, I did know all you needed was the Caraway to get rid of Lilith and the STD, but if I just gave you a magical herb to fix all your problems what would keep you from repeating your mistakes? Clearly you can’t be trusted to not screw up. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be messaging me for help. Now you are telling me you traded one bitch for another, in this case, an actual dog? You wrote in your last letter and i quote, “…something is seriously messed up with this three-month-old black German Shepherd that I found in the bushes outside my house, its eyes seem to glow red.” Now, I have a sneaking suspicion of what this dog is but before we get to that, let me ask you this.
Does the pup smell worse than cat shit? When you try and bathe it does it appear to grow three times its size making it impossible to put in the tub? Can it jump six feet to clear a fence? Does the dog only bark when it walks by a decrepit looking elderly person in the park? On your midnight stroll does it lead you to a cemetery? When it digs holes does it dig six feet wide and six feet deep? When you pass sacred ground does it take a giant shit? When it hears an ambulance does it grin? When you tell the dog no, has it talked back?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you my soon-to-be-dead friend are in contact with a hell hound. Hell hounds are not pets and are extremely dangerous. Since you just recently sold your soul to a demon my guess is that this pup has been sent to retrieve you. My advice is to avoid using the word “fetch” and toss out the bitch as fast as possible. The best way to go about this would be to throw a big raw piece of steak outside in the yard to distract it while you line the windows and entrances with salt. The salt won’t be able to keep it out for long, but it will buy you some time to get your affairs in order. It was nice knowing you, Adam. Please make sure to recommend me to your friends, let’s be honest, acquaintances before you die.
Your Former Friend,