Mudur’s Day

Mudur's day

My Dearest Rosemary,

I apologize for the delay in response time, but under these unusual circumstances with the world going to hell in a handbasket and idol hands and all, business has been booming as of late. Nevertheless, your cry for help in this unusual case is of the utmost importance to me. So your six-year-old has fairly recently informed you that he was a serial killer in a former past life with a rather chilling modus operandi, he specialized in “mother offing.” If I were to make an assumption, based on his detailed admission of guilt, I would surmise that besides being his mother and having an uncanny resemblance to quote, “… the last mommy he played with,” unquote, that his true self has resurfaced because you have come to fit the description of his late victims as stated in the following ABC’s:

(a) Being a transient in the ‘70s who would travel the Pacific Northwest in search of his “mommy,” I find it safe to presume that you recently relocated to the PNW?

(b) As he chose mommies who lived alone to play house with I assume you too live alone, or more specifically you are not currently shacked up with another member of the male species besides the reincarnated serial killer?

(c) Like the other mommies before you who he made disappear for the slightest transgression you recently made him angry when you decided to divorce his daddy, thus, he has decided it is time for him to go in search of a new mom.

My, my, isn’t little Kevin a loquacious Louie. Yes, I do see how his confession and recent transgression are of great concern to you, especially with Mother’s Day coming up and it’s potential to act as a trigger. Already he has shown signs of escalation. Starting with a subtle change of your name from Mother to Mudur Rosemary, to your face being scratched out in red crayon in all of his family portraits doodles, to your daughter’s missing playhouse mom found floating at the bottom of the pool with a large stone tied around her waist with one of your son’s shoelace, to his first matricide attempt in which he tried to smother you with his pillow with the aid of his butt but not before the clever little mother fucker slipped a sleeping aid into your bedside glass of water. If it wasn’t for your maternal instincts alerting you to the sound of his little voice as he whispered gently down at you from on top the pillow, “Mommy are you asleep yet?” you may never have woken up.

So tell me mother dearest, at what lengths would you go to squish his murderous aspirations? Assuming you’d like to go about this with a healthier, modern approach in place of the barbaric, outdated spare the rod, spoil the child method I have a few options.

Option one: Find a hypnotist who can quell his dark urges. Though, as his urges may be deeply rooted, the best one could hope for is that your kid grows up to be a real lady killer. But just in case, it might be best that you consider having him call you by your first name to help distance yourself from the word “mommy.”

Option two: Drop him off at the park and cross your fingers that he goes home with a new mommy, but in this day and age the chances are slim.

Option three: If all else fails, tell him you’re really a man and that he should start calling you “daddy.” Seeing as he’s only six he might fall for it and you never know, maybe the lie will buy you a couple of years.

Hang in there, mommy.

Your Friend,

Staan

P.S. Happy Mudur’s Day!

Your Friend,

-∈ Staan

hailstaankingofthedamned@gmail.com

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Mudur's day

My Dearest Rosemary,

I apologize for the delay in response time, but under these unusual circumstances with the world going to hell in a handbasket and idol hands and all, business has been booming as of late. Nevertheless, your cry for help in this unusual case is of the utmost importance to me. So your six-year-old has fairly recently informed you that he was a serial killer in a former past life with a rather chilling modus operandi, he specialized in “mother offing.” If I were to make an assumption, based on his detailed admission of guilt, I would surmise that besides being his mother and having an uncanny resemblance to quote, “… the last mommy he played with,” unquote, that his true self has resurfaced because you have come to fit the description of his late victims as stated in the following ABC’s:

(a) Being a transient in the ‘70s who would travel the Pacific Northwest in search of his “mommy,” I find it safe to presume that you recently relocated to the PNW?

(b) As he chose mommies who lived alone to play house with I assume you too live alone, or more specifically you are not currently shacked up with another member of the male species besides the reincarnated serial killer?

(c) Like the other mommies before you who he made disappear for the slightest transgression you recently made him angry when you decided to divorce his daddy, thus, he has decided it is time for him to go in search of a new mom.

My, my, isn’t little Kevin a loquacious Louie. Yes, I do see how his confession and recent transgression are of great concern to you, especially with Mother’s Day coming up and it’s potential to act as a trigger. Already he has shown signs of escalation. Starting with a subtle change of your name from Mother to Mudur Rosemary, to your face being scratched out in red crayon in all of his family portraits doodles, to your daughter’s missing playhouse mom found floating at the bottom of the pool with a large stone tied around her waist with one of your son’s shoelace, to his first matricide attempt in which he tried to smother you with his pillow with the aid of his butt but not before the clever little mother fucker slipped a sleeping aid into your bedside glass of water. If it wasn’t for your maternal instincts alerting you to the sound of his little voice as he whispered gently down at you from on top the pillow, “Mommy are you asleep yet?” you may never have woken up.

So tell me mother dearest, at what lengths would you go to squish his murderous aspirations? Assuming you’d like to go about this with a healthier, modern approach in place of the barbaric, outdated spare the rod, spoil the child method I have a few options.

Option one: Find a hypnotist who can quell his dark urges. Though, as his urges may be deeply rooted, the best one could hope for is that your kid grows up to be a real lady killer. But just in case, it might be best that you consider having him call you by your first name to help distance yourself from the word “mommy.”

Option two: Drop him off at the park and cross your fingers that he goes home with a new mommy, but in this day and age the chances are slim.

Option three: If all else fails, tell him you’re really a man and that he should start calling you “daddy.” Seeing as he’s only six he might fall for it and you never know, maybe the lie will buy you a couple of years.

Hang in there, mommy.

Your Friend,

-∈ Staan

P.S. Happy Mudur’s Day!

hailstaankingofthedamned@gmail.com

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