Succubus Got You Down?

My Dearest Adam,

Horns off to you for losing your soul and your virginity in the same week. Sorry to hear that things aren’t working out between you and your girlfriend Lilith. What is it about her that is turning you off? Is the crazed sex demon keeping you up at night? Scratching, clawing, and biting? Are you paralyzed by her womanly wiles? Intimidated by the fact that she has been known to, on occasion, moonlight as a lady of the night?

You’ve been together all of what? Seven days? And already you claim that your relationship is “…turning into a complete nightmare …” and that she has turned into “…a total hag with her constant smothering …” By this do you mean to say that she seems to be relentlessly on your back about something or other? Screaming about this or that? Is she sucking the life right out of you? Are you looking to get back on top?

Conversely, does this “smothering” you are referring to have anything to with commitment? Afraid that if you decide to stay with her she will take you for all you have and leave you high and dry? Arguably, maybe you were bothered by something she communicated to you? Quite possibly a desire for her to bear your children? Would it be wise to say that this idea of fathering children could be weighing heavily on your chest?

Whichever way you split it, how about you save the moaning and gnashing of teeth for the bedroom instead of bitching at me about your relationship problems. From where I stand, you are an ungrateful bastard. How does the blame fall onto me? I advised you to sign your soul away in exchange for your every pleasure not to make a lifetime commitment. As the saying goes, better to bed than wed. Besides, last I checked, when the devil dangled the fruit in front of you you’re the dipshit who took the bite. 

Setting all differences aside, here’s my advice. How about picking a fight with her? I have it on good authority that she’s flighty. Better yet, tell her you met someone else. Preferably a girl who goes by the name of Eve. She has a history with an Eve. Start there and see how it goes.

Strap in buddy, you’re in for a ride. ]:)

Your Friend, 


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