My Dearest Adam,
I do accept your apology for being an ungrateful ass in your last letter. I am a bit insulted that you sounded surprised that my advice on getting rid of Lilith worked, but I will let it slide. The important thing is that Lilith dumped you and now you are a single pathetic loser, once more. Although, I must say what a waste of an amazing opportunity that she had gifted you with, but your loss.
Speaking of loss, you mentioned in your letter that you suddenly lost all your hair as well as the ability to see the color purple. Pray tell, have you also been experiencing any other strange symptoms?
Having weird visions of a dark figure laughing manically in the corners of the rooms? Experiencing night terrors coupled with terrible night sweats and uncontrolled levitation? Hiccuping every time some one utters a “God Bless” at the end of your holiday shopping? Have hives broken over your entire body when in the presence of a nativity display? Does everything you eat taste of sulfur? Do your eyelashes hurt for no reason at all? Blood oozing out of every orifice? Experiencing shrinkage in your lower region?
If you answer yes to any of the symptoms written above, then I am afraid that Lilith has left you with a nasty little parting gift known as Satanica Transmitio Devotatito or, in other words, a supernatural STD. Now don’t worry it is not too difficult to get rid of. Just go to your local apothecary and ask for a liquid Caraway/Peppermint liquid body wash. Be sure to add salt to the mix … yes, lots of salt. Before applying the wash rinse in scalding hot water to open up your pores and then begin lathering everywhere (and I mean everywhere). Let soak for six minutes. Once done, rinse with ice-cold water to lock the potion in and then you’re done. Repeat for three days. Fair warning, the salt and peppermint will burn like a bitch but it will get the job done. Maybe it will serve as a reminder to wear protection next time, hell, who am I kidding there won’t be a next time.